Start each day with a surprise quiz

Don’t dismiss the class for recess

until you’ve finished the lesson

you’re working on

At the end of the day, hand out a huge

assignment that’s due the next day

When a student says, "I have to go to

the bathroom," say, "You should have

gone this morning before you left

home" or "You’ll have to hold it in

it’s time for the kindergarten to use

the bathrooms

Never call on students who have

their hands up

Only call on students who have

no idea what’s going on

When a student asks you a question

say, "Look up the answer in a book

Don’t bother to mention the name

of the book in which the answer

can be found

When you read, go as fast as you can

Skip a line or two, then ask questions

about the passage to see if the

students were listening

When it’s time for the students to

read, call on someone who doesn’t

have a book

When you hand out pencils, make sure

they’re dull and don’t have erasers

When you hand out books, make

sure they’re torn and tattered

On the last day of school, hand

out a surprise final exam

Tell your students if they flunk it, they’ll

have to attend summer school—and

if they flunk summer school, they’ll

have to repeat the grade

Tell them you hope they all flunk

because you like them so much and

you wish they could be your students